Grief & Gratitude

As we approach the middle of the year, I can’t help but giggle at how quickly the optimism I cultivated at the beginning was so quickly tested.  There is no pleasure without pain, and there’s been both.  It is simply part of the process of awakening, and it isn’t always pretty.  It is within the journey toward self-awareness that we are forced to reckon with past experiences we had wished away or even repressed.  As your perception begins to shift, you become conscious of blatant truths that were there all along…you simply were “below the veil of consciousness”, as one of my wise teachers, Lisa Romano would say. 

As complex emotions slowly swim to the surface, your body and mind can become trampled with uncomfortable insights and sensations…that is, if you choose to lean in and feel them. Personally, I’ve experienced much grief, in recognizing the reality of the suffering I felt in circumstances beyond my control.  But far beyond the traumas themselves, realizing how I internalized negative experiences brought on to myself by others (a sheer projection of their own unresolved feelings), sucks.  It’s tough knowing that your feels are valid, while also understanding that these people weren’t necessarily conscious of the pain they invoked on to you.  More so, the internalized pain that I invoked onto myself in response.  Grief in how I’ve treated myself for most of my life, in response to the dysfunction of those around me. 

This is where the optimism sits.  Grief can coexist with gratitude.  It can teach us that we are not our trauma.  We are not our programming or conditioning.  This awareness lends a beautiful opportunity to amplify our resilience and learn to acknowledge the pain that others were unable to grant us when we most needed it.  I now have the privilege of seeing myself in a new light, a fresh frame.  It feels incredibly empowering to release myself of the constant self-doubt, criticism and negativity.  It also allows me to confidently set boundaries with people, places or situations with whom this upgraded version no longer aligns with.  I refuse to expel any of my precious energy attempting to win over or feel accepted by people who clearly don’t accept themselves.  In essence, I am learning how to acknowledge and trust my own ideas, opinions and desires before seeking guidance and validation from anyone else.  Here’s to preserving my energy for what serves me, and not feeling an ounce of regret.