Colorectal Cancer Awareness: My Personal Journey
In recognition of colorectal cancer awareness month, I feel called to share my story. A year ago, I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer. After over a decade of what I called “stomach issues”, I had a colonoscopy last February and by early April of 2024, I underwent LAR surgery to remove a large tumor that was discovered during the procedure.
The whole experience truly felt like a dream. It all happened so fast. Even my surgeon was in awe. At our first meeting, she was transparent about potential outcomes of the surgery. There was a chance I would need a temporary colostomy (so grateful I did not), but she could only determine that during the surgery. Also, based on the size of and placement of the tumor, radiation and/or chemotherapy were also potential outcomes.
I was mortified…
I was under the assumption that I was a healthy 32 year old before this. But was I??? If I’m being honest, while on the outside it may have seemed like I had it all together, my inner world has tortured me at times. The emotional loneliness experienced during my childhood never went away, and so even today, tending to my own emotions can feel like an unfamiliar, and uncomfortable place.
I’ve learned so much about this experience, and I am honestly still processing it. But today, I am grateful and feel profoundly blessed to be here on this Earth.
What I’ve learned so far from the experience:
Trust your gut…literally. My body communicated to me, in so many ways there was a problem. I still feel shame about how long I allowed myself to suffer. Looking back, I observe how I was I was self-sabotaging just as I’d been conditioned to, minimizing my own suffering.
You’ve got to be your own advocate. I did my own research and am grateful to have connected with Dr. Ayescue, chief of colorectal surgery in my local area. She was honest and thorough, and was transparent about the several potential outcomes. At our first meeting, she told me this whole experience would probably take about a year. I’m so glad she was wrong.
Consistent, daily choices matter. How you choose to spend your time, the people you surround yourself with, the food and media you digest- it all matters. I truly believe that had I not made major life changes four years prior to this experience, that the outcome would have looked much differently.
Self-care isn’t selfish, in fact, I believe it saved my life. This wasn’t just bubble baths and massages- it was far more than that. It was speaking my truth and setting boundaries in environments and systems where I’d been conditioned to people please and soothe others nervous system in order to soothe my own.
I deserve to be here. Complex trauma can really do a number on your psyche. I’ve battled feelings of unworthiness and other self deprecating notions throughout my life. This experience was a turning point for me. Previous versions of me would have perceived this as a punishment-but through this inward journey, I now see it as just another opportunity to slow down, tend to, love and honor me.
There will be more insights on this to come, I am sure. But for now, I’m just happy to be here and grateful for my health. Like I said, it felt like a dream. I am currently cancer free and plan to keep it that way. I truly believe that my higher self, my guardian angels, God, the universe…they all held me up during my darkest times, and led me right here. My perspective on life has changed drastically, and has inspired me to continue my quest to live mindfully and presently…consciously.